SCAVENGER HUNT

From afar it’s pure power and grace. The  bird is massive. It weighs 1 to 2 kilos and stands 2-1/2 feet tall. That wingspan is 6 feet. 


Up close, the turkey vulture or buzzard is more like nauseating. It’s about that face: it’s red; it’s bald; it’s gnarly. He does take after his namesake a bit. Still, “buzzard with all the trimmings” is going to be a hard sell.

Actual turkey

Turkey vulture

Buzzards travel and even roost in groups called venues of vultures. We often see 10-12 circling, an unsettling image at our age. Eagles flap their wings much more often; vultures coast through the sky. They ride thermals to gain altitude. Having once ridden in a glider, I can attest to how fun that is. These guys don't seem like party animals, however; and actually, they're cruising for carrion.

Turkey buzzards have a terrific sense of smell. They ride the thermals, sniffing the air for gases rising from unfortunate former beasts below. They can't sing for their suppers; all they can manage is to grunt and snort a bit but nothing melodious.

Vultures prefer to eat herbivores. I had never thought of them being all that fussy. Of course they will stoop to eat carnivores when necessary. 

As you can imagine, when you eat decaying animals, you pick up a few nasty bugs with your dinner. That’s why it’s handy to have that bald vulture face. I remember seeing Cheerios stuck my husband’s beard, and dead flesh would likely be a lot worse. Perching in trees with wings spread, the buzzards dry off, and that reduces some of those bacterial hitchhikers. They also use this pose to warm themselves in the sun.

It’s tough to tell a male from a female vulture, and frankly, for me, that falls well into the category of leave well enough alone anyway.

Planning on challenging a turkey vulture anytime soon? I’m betting on the vulture. The way he defends his family is by vomiting. Consider the buzzard's diet--disgusting even before it's consumed. Now imagine him regurgitating that in front of you, the enemy. The stench of hurled carrion fends off most predators. It also burns the eyes. It's good advice to live by: never tempt a vulture to vomit.

Who out there thinks this has gotten as disgusting as it possibly can get? Noop. Not even close. Vultures eliminate on their own legs. This serves a good purpose, though not enough to tantalize most of us to adopt the practice. Their urine and feces cool the legs (get a fan, stupid) and also kill the nasty bacteria that vultures have to step in all the time.

I will leave you with some positive thoughts about vultures. They are beautiful when soaring across the sky. They are willing to remove road kill so we don't have to do that. And my otherwise smart dogs race around and around the meadows far below them, barking at them. It saves a lot of time and energy if you can get a turkey buzzard to walk your dogs. 

Carrion, oh loyal and much maligned clean-up crew. Carry on.

To see Turkey vultures drying their wings:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSs8kbUHEfA&feature=related


or


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L1mvBwNpS4&feature=related

HANG ONTO YOUR HAT

In town, the rain seems to drop straight down from the sky above. In the country, you can see it coming from miles away. It starts as grey smudges in the far western sky. Eventually a few drops hit the window, and within minutes sheets of rain smack into the house. Gale-force winds carry struggling birds off their intended course.

Thunderstorms and blizzards are a welcome reminder of how powerful we are not. They can rearrange one's priorities in a matter of seconds. When a huge tree in our woods snapped in half like a toothpick, its canopy dropped into our front yard. I opened the front door and faced a wall of green leaves and branches. I had a pretty good idea what I'd be doing for the next few days. Ironing was off the table. 

We’re just a little shy on tornado sirens out here, but  five years ago there were rumblings on the radio about a tornado bearing down on Iowa County. As we listened to weather reports grow more and more ominous, we realized the twister did indeed have us in its cross hairs and was just minutes away.

One thing I’ve never mastered is herding everyone into the basement. I might wrestle one dog down, but two dogs and a husband are still upstairs. Get a second dog down, the first dog shoots back up, and the husband just has to finish typing his last sentence. Miraculously get all three dogs down, one tears back up. Husband finally comes down but runs back up to fill his travel mug. Never did get everyone down there.

The sky went from blue to coal black and back to blue again, but nothing happened, so we ventured out onto the deck. Pewter-colored clouds had passed just a little north of us and were racing toward Iowa City. We dropped our jaws as we saw the storm drop ugly black funnels onto the homes of our former neighbors in town. 


Parts of Iowa City were wiped out. The storm hop-scotched through town, capriciously choosing victims. None of them were human, thank heavens, but it was forever before we could get in touch with anyone.

I am one of those people who hears storm warnings and immediately heads outside. I love the taste of agitated ions in the air. I love having to hold onto the railing to stay in York Township. Lying in the hammock on the screened porch during a rainstorm is as close to a religious experience as I care to have. 


In July 2008, a mega-cyclone removed just 2 shingles from our roof, but a mile north it relocated entire barns and huge combines from the north side of the road to the south side.There’s some comfort in the unpredictability of wild weather; its capriciousness takes a little pressure off believing you can control everything. This one had winds exceeding 100 mph; you're lucky if you can control your bodily functions when that happens.

Country storms are not for sissies

To see the Iowa City tornado:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElhLVSEpQxA&feature=related

  The worms crawl in,  

 The worms crawl out; 

 The ants play Pinochle 

       On your snout....     
    

Why is it that a rat is horrifying, but if you glue on long ears and a puffy tail, it’s all “hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its way?” What exactly makes a rat creepy and a rabbit cuddly?

Is something creepy because it causes you harm? Not necessarily. Mosquitoes hurt you and can cause serious diseases, but they aren’t creepy. Maggots won’t bite you and can actually help you, but can we all agree that maggots are undeniably creepy?

Creepiness isn’t necessarily a permanent condition; what’s creepy today may not be creepy tomorrow. Apparently we can accommodate to it. When I first moved out here, I removed ticks with tongs; now I grab them with bare fingers. But accommodation isn’t a given; snail slime is still creepy and always will be.

When I decided to figure out why some things creep me out and others do not, my Urge-to-Classify genes kicked in, and I coughed up the-

Creepiness Rating System

I. Motation 

        A.  Mode of Moving affects creepiness.

          Slithering gives most of us pause, hopping not so much. So, snakes
          are creepy and bunnies are cuddly. Slithering feels like sneaking up
         on something.

          The worm is harmless, but it slithers, too, in its own way. When it
          elongates and then contracts between my fingers. a shiver runs up
          my spine.

Researchers have found that we have an innate ability to detect the presence of a slithering snake and to be leery of it, so recognizing their creepiness is hard-wired into us.

         B. Speed of Moving

Bats slice through the air, ripping back and forth faster than the eye can follow. When something does that, it is beyond our control or containment. It feels as though it could turn and be on us before we can react. That’s creepy.

         C. Rate of acceleration

        

If something can go from zero to right-in-my-face in 2 seconds, I freak out. A mouse across the room is not alarming. A mouse that looks me in the eye and then darts for my pant leg is creepy.

Creepy movements get a rating of 8 ICKs (Indicators of  Creepiness per Kilogram)

II. No Accounting for Taste

        

A willingness to partake of carrion is disgusting to most of us. (If it’s not, let’s talk about that soon.) Flies, vultures, eagles, maggots, hyenas, and other bottom feeders like their meat well aged.

Crow eating a catfish that an eagle pulled out of a hole in the ice

         Carrion eating gets 9 ICKs on the Creepiness Rating Scale.

III. Quiet 

Many creepy beasts are quiet. A swooshing sound by the ear is much eerier than squawking. Something that moves without making much noise seems to be stalking.

Silence gets 4 ICKs.

IV. Unattractiveness

             As in all things, it seems the handsome guys get a free ride.

No one is creeped out by a swan or a fox, but if you have a bald, red, gnarly face like a vulture,  people just won’t be comfortable in your company. Have cute little eyebrows like a raccoon, you skate through life; maybe you can’t get across the road, but you are beloved. Have no discernible features like a maggot, and you're not such a treasure.

Shapes matter. Long, skinny things like snakes or possum tails and irregular things such as turkey snoods put us on edge. Shapes not seen often in nature, like the triangular face of the mantis, give us the willies.

How adorable.....

Unattractiveness gets 5 ICKs.

V. Invasiveness

It’s a given: if it can slide or bore its way into you––

10 ICKs will be given.

VI. Inescapability

Permission to come aboard, Ma'am?

Can’t remove it because it grabs you or holds on or because it’s sticky? Or does it flit and flop all around you, following you no matter which way you go? 

I love frogs. I was amused when one hopped onto my kayak as I paddled by his log. I was less amused when he turned toward me, eyed the well I was sitting in, and tensed his hind leg muscles to jump. He was about to join me and climb around on my bare legs at will. There'd be no escaping him without tipping over. Note: These are not little toadies. Two of these bullfrogs would fill up your glove compartment.

10 ICKs granted.

VII. Surprise factor  

           I like bats. I put up a bat house on the garage, for heaven's sake. But 

           when I reach for the door knob and one zooms out of the light 

           fixture right into my face, I’m not feeling the love.

        

Surprising me gets 9 ICKs.

VII. Things out of place

Love the bird in the sky. Hate the birds in the bedroom smacking against the inside of the window. Snake in the grass, right and proper. Snake in the water, yucky.
When things are in an unexpected place, it's creepy. Like ants playing Pinochle on your snout.

           Mislocation gets 7 ICKs.

VIII. Texture  

           Things can be tactiley creepy: scaly things, slimy things, wet
            things, warty things. 

           Untoward experiences have seeped into our genes and made us 

            react instinctively to snail slime and lizard scales.

                                        
                   Slimy, scaly textures get 9 ICKs.

IX. Means of expression

How a critter communicates affects our reactions. The sweet trill of a wren, the bobbing head and cooing of a mourning dove–these elicit smiles. The darting tongue of a snake? No smiles.

Tongue wagging:  8 ICKs.
Red tongue: 1 bonus ICK.

X.  The Unknown

            Some things we encounter are just never identified.

10 ICKs to this fellow.

For more on our genetic relationship to snakes:
http://www.livescience.com/2348-fear-snakes.html