CLOSE ENCOWNTERS  

In town I loved to go running early in the morning, but a woman running alone needs to take precautions. Cross the street if the hedges are tall. Run under the streetlight if there’s a figure walking in the shadows on the sidewalk. Head for the nearest porch if a car slows down. Other than that, it was a great way to start the day.

Running in the country has its own challenges. The road surface includes 6” ruts, fist-sized rocks, and slick mud. There are no shoulders. If a car comes, you can hope they have good manners or you can dive into a ditch full of rancid water. That aside, I decided to give it a shot.

The stars still filled the black morning sky as I ran to the end of the lane.  I took in the fresh cold air and headed down the first long hill. I ran to the highway, about 1-1/2 miles, and turned around. There were no stalkers or hedge dwellers, and I was able to hold my breath while hurrying past a pungent pasture.

Suddenly a loud snort raised me right out of my tennies. A black cow in the dark is not easy to see, but I spotted him when a white cloud of warm cow breath floated skyward with that snort.

When I recovered my own breath, I settled back into a comfy pace and stayed on alert for any further cow encounters. That’s when a Red-tailed Hawk rose up out of the ditch screaming and flapping its powerful wings. I hit the gravel and covered my head.

The round, red edge of the sun came over the horizon, and a peachy, gray sky bloomed as I ran down the driveway.

I will take cow snorts and hawk screams over human marauders any day. 

BIG WHEELS KEEP ON ROLLIN’

The sun was warm, the hammock soft, the iced tea cold. It would take a lot to make me move. Like seeing a prehistoric beast on the siding next to me. He was only  
1-1/2 inches long but oh so cool––cool enough to entice me out of my cozy nest.

He wasn’t colorful. In fact, he was quite homely. And it’s not like he had a great personality, either; he just sat there.

It turns out I’m very lucky I didn’t give that little fellow a nudge or turn him over. I’d likely have a scar to show for it. This prehistoric-looking monster was a Wheel Bug, and they do not have good manners.

If you’ve seen a bug with a  cogged wheel on his back, you’ve seen a Wheel Bug. They’re the only insects in the U.S. with that feature. Experts say the wheel doesn’t appear to have a specific purpose, but come on! Its purpose is to be cool!

Another nifty feature of the Wheeler is that it has two upper jaws and two lower jaws. It has a long head that ends in a really long beak, and he folds that back under himself. This insect caught all the breaks––he even has two eyes, one compound and one simple.

Amazingly well endowed as he is, you don’t want to be at a family reunion for the Wheel Bugs. They belong to the family called Assassin Bugs. This is where the long beak comes in. The Wheeler sticks it into anything soft––moth, caterpillar, you, me––and injects its saliva. The saliva has an enzyme that first paralyzes its victim, then dissolves everything inside it. The dual-action beak then becomes a straw, and the Wheeler sucks out a bugilicious smoothie.

Assassin bugs  kill many insects that farmers are happy to be rid of, but unfortunately they don’t discriminate; they kill Lady Bugs and bees, too. If they bite the farmer, he will suffer a vicious wound that can take weeks or months to heal, and it leaves a scar. The bug won’t come after you if you leave it alone, but don’t be irritating it.

Wheel Bugs lay 2-400 eggs that will go through 5 stages of metamorphosis. Even in those nymph stages, they can lay a hurting’ on you. After the female lays the eggs, she dies, but not before she kills her mate. I told you––bad manners.

Even though this bug is advantageous, I wouldn’t want to be its spin-doctor. It’s got a lethal bite, it’s cannibalistic, and one more little thing––if you bug this bug, it will turn around, pop out its orangy-red anal sacs, and blast you with a foul-smelling substance. 

Robert Gates, are you listening? Imagine a tank that can send out a long straw, dissolve the enemy, drink it up, then turn around and blast any survivors with a nasty smelling brew. And all you got are drones?

To see a wheel bug take on a bat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmV6TjVNZGM&feature=related

SNAKE IN THE KAYAK

Not many days in the country

Are humdrum,

But a snake in the kayak

Is quite a conundrum.

You can roll it and shake it

From starboard to port;

The snake will just head for

The stern with a snort.

Try pounding, try yelling,

Try using a stick;

Threaten his life;

Give the kayak a kick.

The snake in the kayak

Does not plan on leaving;

Kiss your paddle goodbye,

And get on with your grieving.